Below are the 13 most recent journal entries recorded in Jason's LiveJournal:

Wednesday, July 21st, 2004
10:56 pm	Lost: One Self Confidence Seems like no matter how far I go I am always taking steps backwards. Interesting if you really think about it *sigh*. My friend tells me that with everything going on right now that anyone would be at a lack of self confidence, but I just can't help but think that maybe there is something wrong. I guess a backstory of my life recently would be of some help in figuring this out. I am currently on temporary orders through our wonderful State of Texas regarding my divorce (which should be over near the end of September). This is a good thing and, ironically, my ex and myself have been getting along better than we have in years. I get to see my ladybug every other weekend and have been doing so consistently for a little while now. She is the only thing that makes me smile right now...actually, I take that back. There is someone else who makes me smile. Here comes the current problem. There is a young lady where I work (same age as myself minus one month) that has caught me at somewhat of a loss. You see, I can talk to her for hours on end but can not for the life of me bring myself to ask her out. I get butterflies in my stomach and cotton in my mouth whenever I try. What makes this so disturbing is the fact that I normally don't have this problem at all. If I want to go to dinner or a movie or whatever with someone I simply walk up to them and ask them, no big deal. Some other friends of mine have told me that maybe the fact that I get so nervous around this one is a sign of something greater waiting to brew, that instead of just lust I actually like this girl. As nice as this concept sounds, it makes me unbelievably nervous. First off, I'm going through a divorce and I'm coming off of a long-term relationship and I am not really sure if I'm ready for another one so soon. Also, by the simple fact that I can't bring myself to ask this girl out, I'm afraid that I might have missed my opportunity. *sigh* Things were so much easier before I started feeling things again. I liked being cold and dead inside (at least as much as one could like being cold and dead inside). This has just gotten complicated. The other day I handed her a poem I wrote for her (see below). Unfortunately I handed it to her quickly and then ran off and went home as fast as I could so that she couldn't follow me. I avoided her the next day until she came up to me and told me she liked the poem and that she put it in a special place at home. I'm just so confused. I guess what makes this so hard is the fact that she reminds me so much of myself. We are so much alike that it is almost like looking into a proverbial mirror sometimes. What is worse is that I dream about her (which is amazing considering that I don't normally dream). In these dreams we aren't having sex or fooling around or anything. We are usually just laying in each others arms talking. She smiles at me and I lose myself in her beautiful eyes. Not very exciting as dreams go, but exciting for me none-the-less. Anyway, tomorrow is another day, so I will try again to ask her out when I see her at work. *sigh* What has happened to me? Shimmering sheens of aqua blue Gently caressed by ocean's kiss Sunflower's nectar accents In enchanting subtle hues In a single solitary moment A silver-lined heaven met my gaze As an angel's eyes of beauty unbound Stared solemnly through my naked soul One sliver severed and stayed forever Locked pecarioulsy in perfect memory Frozen in time I will float forever Blissfully swimming the unsurpassed seas In the memory Of your eyes. (Comment on this)
Friday, March 19th, 2004
3:02 am	Sad again... Mourning by Uriel The winds change A bloody tear falls From an angel's eye. The shadows return The darkness spreads Cold shards of emptiness From the rotting hole Left deep within the heart. Disconnected Floating The winds blow A crimson drop On an ebon floor Scared Alone Mourning never ends (Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 10th, 2004
1:44 am	To my Phreak and my Catta... Here is the first part of the poem for both of you to read. I wrote it several months back. Many things have changed since then, as is evident by my second part. I hope things have been well for you both. *bows deeply* Until the next time we speak. -Uriel (Comment on this)
1:43 am	Letting Go I close my eyes And let myself fall The world moving around me I spread my arms And feel the wind For a moment I am free I am flying... Nothing matters No ties to bind In the space of a moment Absolute freedom Perfect peace I let myself go To the here To the now... Time too short It passes quick I want to be here forever Sudden stop Terrible pain Voices around me And I let go One last time... (Comment on this)
Saturday, February 7th, 2004
6:28 am	One step forward (Letting Go, pt. 2) In the pain I find guidence I open my eyes To a world renewed My vision blurs Shapes moving in the corners Disoriented Fear takes hold Everything shifts Perceptions change In the past I lost everything One step forward And I let myself fall In the confusion I find hope I look through eyes That are not my own My vision clears Paths form in the chaos Empowered Fear now controlled Everything shifted Perceptions changed In the future I find my everything One step forward And I leave the past behind I shed off dead skin And I live once again... (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, September 4th, 2003
6:12 pm	Such a waste... I survived my birthday. I received the first present given to me by someone other than my parents (or ex-wife) for the first time since I was sixteen. Amazing how little things like that can mean so much to you. I can understand why I tend to hate my birthdays...they seem to remind me of how things really are. I've been doing a lot of reflection on this last year. This morning I was talking to (name intentionally left blank for personal reasons) and I just broke down. We were talking about these last few months and I just couldn't help it. I've determined that the sadness and pain of losing a child never really goes away, you just bury it deeper and deeper and try to put up as many walls as you can to keep it from leaking out. Sometimes it doesn't work. I don't know how many more tears I can cry. I feel like my cheeks should be creased, wrinkled and worn down from all of the tears. I still can't help but shed a few before I go to sleep every night. My nightmares are still haunting me, but now I've added some new ones. I've determined that I am absolutely terrified of being alone. My new nightmares take full advantage of this (the bastards). What is really bad is that I don't remember them until I'm going about my business in the day and something pushes my buttons just right (feeling ignored, watching my love hugging someone else) and I get emotional and depressed suddenly. It seems so stupid. Things like this shouldn't bother me. I've never had this problem before. I feel like a walking contridiction...a poly shouldn't have jealousy issues. I guess that's what I get for trying to be committed to just one person. I think I need to be committed to a mental institution. I've been off of Zoloft for over a month now due to lack of funds and now lack of insurance. The lack of sleep right now doesn't help anything. I don't go to bed until 4-5am and then I get up by 8am to go job hunting. I don't sleep well when I do lay down. I hate me. Let's talk about something on a happier note...it looks like I should be able to go visit Anastasia (my little princess) in the next couple of days. It's been a month since I say her last. From what I've heard from her mom and my parents she is getting to be really big and very active. She is starting to try and figure out how to crawl now. It won't be long before she's going everywhere. Oooo...the damn ex wife pissed me off the yesterday. Get this...she calls me to wish me a happy birthday, right, and we start talking about her job (she works for a daycare at my grandmother's church and has Anna in the infant class). Anyway, she says that she doesn't get off work until around 6pm and that my mom sometimes comes and picks Anna up early and takes her home. She then says that she doesn't trust me enough to let me pick her up. WHAT THE FUCK!!!! I almost started going off on her, but I kept my cool and asked her why she felt that way. She said that she was afraid that I would get into a car wreck with her in the car or that I would kidnap her and run back to DFW with her. (I swear my ex is a stupid fucking cunt...) I couldn't help myself at that point. I started telling her (in a very stern and pissed off manner) that the car wreck was NOT my fault, the other guy even admitted to it. She then comes back and says that I should have seen him, so I explain to her (still trying to stay calm, but not having a lot of luck) that due to the conditions and vehicles around us that there was no way to see him and he couldn't see me, and that now I am a hell of a lot more careful at intersections. Then I start asking her about why the fuck she thinks that I would take my baby girl from the best place for her right now. I explain to her (temper starting to heat up even more) that Anna is in the best place she can be right now with her grandparents (my parents) and her mom (my ex) looking after her and loving her. She has everything taken care of, and I don't have to worry that the ex isn't looking after her or that she isn't getting the things that she needs (like diapers or formula). I told her that due to this fact I am able to focus on getting my life in order so that one day I can have Anna up here (when she gets older, like 2 or 3) for visits and eventually to stay with me with joint custody. After I got done letting her have it, she was just like, "Oh, I just needed to hear the words come out your mouth". Grrrr...I'm so glad I'm not with that bitch anymore. I can't wait to get the divorce over with so that I can finally get her off my back. *breaths heavily* OK...I was trying to calm down and get happy...that's how my life works right now...can't be happy for more than a minute and something comes along and fucks it up. Anyway, enough ranting for right now. I'm tired and I think I'm going to go take a nap. Maybe the world will be a little better when I wake up (I doubt it, but it is worth a shot). Goodnight... -Uriel The Dark Angel (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 3rd, 2003
10:39 am	Reflections of another year...(happy birthday to me...) Hard to believe that another year has come to pass. This has been by far the longest year of my life. I am hardly the man I was when I turned 22. Within this year I've gone through trials and tribulations, heartaches and pains, joy and sadness, but most of all, growth. I lost my wife and gained a new perspective on myself. I witnessed the birth of my beautiful baby girl and had to bury my son. I've learned of the meaning of teamwork, loyalty, and honor. I finally moved out of the town I hate so much and have awakened to what life is really all about. In this last year I've cried more tears then I thought that I ever could, and I've been the happiest that I have ever been in my life. I've made new friends and found new loves, I've learned just how real people really are, and found out that your true friends are the ones who are there through the good times and the bad. As I look forward to the next year I can only hope that it will get better every day. I look forward to it being the year of the monkey. Everyone had better watch out, because this year will be my time to shine. So I once again raise my glass in a toast... "To absent friends, lost loves, old gods, and the season of mists; and may each and every one of us always give the devil his due." Hob Gadling, in Season of Mists -Uriel The Dark Angel (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, August 28th, 2003
9:08 pm	Wow...Look, today is so much different than all the others...[/sarcastic] I wonder if everyday of my life is going to suck from now on? Anything good that happens in my life falls apart sooner or later. That is one constant that seems to always hold true. Today my nice new (well, new to me, it's a '90 Ford Probe) car decides to start fucking up. Damn clutch has determined that it doesn't want to work anymore. Fucking figures. Lets see...what else...I probably have the job at Circuit City. Joy. *sigh* I hate that fucking place. I spent too much time working there in Tyler to have to work there again. It figures that it is the only job that I can get. I swore to myself that I would not work another retail job, but here I am. I hate my life. My glasses still aren't fixed due to my job situation and my car situation. Oh, and my father is being a major fucking dick hole! Maybe if I just shoot myself it will all be over quick and painlessly. I am tired of falling asleep and waking up with tears in my eyes. I don't think that the grieving process should last this long. He is gone, I need to deal with it. Why can't I get over it? I hate sleeping now. I have taken to drinking 2 or more gallons of Mountain Dew a day (did I ever mention that I used to be a caffine addict?) just to stay awake. I hate my life so much. Well, enough bitching. I'm going to go drown myself in music and mountain dew and work on another piece of my artwork. *sigh* -Uriel The dark angel (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 26th, 2003
2:50 am	Figures... Well, I should be able to say that things are getting better, but I don't think that they are. Let's start with the good news. First off, I have a vehicle now. It is a '90 Ford Probe and it is a fun little car. It needs some cosmetic work, but overall it is a good vehicle. That's really all of the good news right now. I still am jobless, and searching today got a big load of nothing. I'm starting to worry if I will be able to find a job at all. Doesn't help the fact that I come home to listen to people bitch about the fact that I stopped at the comic book store and the library for a few minutes today after I got done. They act like I'm trying to do things behind their back. If I was, then I wouldn't let them know that I did it! I swear people are so fucking stupid sometimes. Also, the woman that I'm "seeing" (if you could really call it that) is pissed off about something today and she won't talk to me. I have a feeling that it is about me, but she won't open up enough to say anything. She won't even reply when I tell her that I love her. I'm being a good little poly and keeping my sight straight focused on her, but she doesn't seem to think that is anything. She doesn't understand how much of a task that is for me. She doesn't understand that I'm fighting against a natural instinct that I have. I think that she is pissed because one of the books that I ordered from the library finally came in. The name of it is the same name as a person I know on-line that I once made the comment to a group of friends (that my girl is a part of...this is when we were on the rocks and not really seeing each other, which is almost none at all considering that we aren't really "seeing" each other now, at least for all public intents and purposes)could be a possible girlfriend one day. I think that she is jealous of this, even though I haven't had any contact with the on-line person since we got back together to keep her happy. This is so hard. I understand that she is under a lot of stress, just like me, but I can't stand all the crap that she keeps pulling. I keep tellng myself to just wait it out a couple of days and she will be back to normal (that time, you know...), but somehow I don't know if that is true. I don't know what to think anymore. Also, one of my friends that I have been trying to meet for the longest time is now blowing me off like they don't want to meet me face to face. I've noticed that it is a trend with everybody I know. Am I that terrible of a person that no one wants to be around me? Even my good friends seem to avoid me like the plague or seem annoyed when I am around. I love how at a time when my self confidence is down there is no one that seems to be around to help me feel a little better. I need a break from everything. I would love to be able to just drive down to Tyler right now and see my little girl. She makes everything all-right, even if I am having to deal with my ex. Ironic that I finally get a car but I don't have the money to make the trip. This angel continues to fall, everyday brings me closer to the bottom. Everything falls apart...everything...and I fall asleep crying once again... (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, August 22nd, 2003
10:56 am	Another day another emptiness Hmm...today sucks, yet again. I wake up with a feeling of being overwhelmed. The job hunt is barely going at all. I still can't believe that that fat fuck Richard could fire me. If I ever run into him on the street I'm going to slit his fucking throat and watch him bleed. Stupid fucking asshole. What good is having a job if you can be fired at the drop of a hat when it isn't even your fault, all because some fat fuck has a say in the politics of the company? Grrr... I don't want to take a shit job to survive, but it seems that is all that will be left for me. I hate my life so much right now. I'm still reeling from the trip to Houston/Galviston. I can't believe what happened. It fucking figures, you know, you start to build back trust with someone and you go and fuck it all to hell. I can tell she loves me, though, because even though I did such a terrible thing to her she still wants to be with me. I don't know if I'll ever be able to touch her the same way again, though. I still start crying when I think about it. I thought that I had my inner demons under control. I thought that I would be able to control my anger, my jealousy, my rage...I guess that I was wrong. Now I must live with my actions. More reasons to hate myself. I wonder if I will ever be able to forgive myself. I wonder if she will ever be able to trust me again. I want to die sometimes, but I am not allowed. Sometimes I think it is a curse to know the future. Sometimes I wish that I didn't know some of the things that I do. Sometimes I wish that I wasn't living in deja-vu all the time. Amazing how much I don't tell people. Amazing how lost you believe me to be. Don't take my lack of speech as lack of understanding, as lack of knowledge. I know more than I will ever say. Silence by choice. I put a picture of Samael falling from heaven on my desktop. I find it comforting and appropriate. I think that I will have to modify the picture slightly to include more personal elements in it, though. Maybe I am an angel falling. May my fall be spectacular, and when I hit the bottom, may it be everything I hope it to be. Only with nothing left can we be anything at all... (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, August 2nd, 2003
5:55 pm	Women! Grr...stupid fucking women are starting to piss me the fuck off. Why the fuck do you have to be so god damn confusing. You say one thing and you want another. Don't tell me that your time is spread too thin and that you don't get any time to yourself and that you feel like everyone is always wanting your attention and then get pissed off at me when I try to leave you alone a little more than normal so that I am not "hounding" you. Plus, you get pissed off at me everytime that I go out and do ANYTHING on my days off. Am I supposed to devote all of my free time to only you? You don't have that kind of time to give to me, so why should I reciprocate? Plus, see above! You fucking told me to give you a little bit of space! Arrrrrrrrr!! OK, I admit it. I have no fucking clue what you are wanting and what I am supposed to do. Does that make you fucking happy? I'm confused. I admit that I don't know what you want. Now, will you please just tell me why you are so pissed off? Can you at least try to understand my perspective on the situation? Why the fuck do you get pissed off at me about something and then you are all like "whatever you think is best". Quit fucking testing me, because you are driving me bloody fucking insane!!!!! If you want me to do something, say it! If you don't want me to do something, say it! Be direct, be blunt! I'm tired of getting riddles and half answers from you about shit! I know you said you were tired of asking things of me because you were tired of being disappointed, but you obviously are disappointed anyway, so why can't you just fucking ask now? I am not a fucking mind reader!!! I am doing the best that I can to accomidate everything that you want and everything that I think you want and won't tell me, but obviously it ISN'T FUCKING ENOUGH. You said that you are not playing games, but to me this is a fucking game. You half ass talk to me, you expect me to tell you things, but you don't tell me what you want to know, you get pissed off at me about things that I do, when I was handling a situation in the best way that I could!! I didn't ask to be taken anywhere on either of my days off. I was invited to go out and do things with two of my friends at two seperate times. Am I supposed to say "No, I don't want to go somewhere with you. No, I don't want to spend any time with you even though I haven't gotten to hang out with you in over a month and a half."? Am I just not supposed to sleep at night so that I can spend more time with you? You told me that it isn't quantity of time, it's quality! I have been trying to spend as much quality time with you as I can while at the same time trying to give you space because I know how frustrated you have been this last week with certain people being around you all the fucking time. Just fucking tell me what to do. Just fucking tell me where I made the mistake so that I can fix it. I don't see it. Just fucking talk to me... (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, July 24th, 2003
12:16 am	My random thoughts... I opened this account in order to let out my random thoughts, so maybe I should start using it. I hate the way that people act towards me. Does everyone think that I'm stupid, that I'm a disease, that I'm everything that I hate? I don't like myself at all. I'm trying to, but I keep messing everything up. I'm just an idiot who can't get anything right. Why do I keep crying? Can I please stop soon? I can't stand the way that this feels. I want you to love me, to want me for who I am. Why can't you understand what I am going through? Why do you have to be so mean to me? Why did I have to make the mistakes that I did? I can't take this anymore... (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, June 7th, 2003
5:56 pm	Thoughts on a pill This is an interesting sensation for me. I am not normally the most verbose person. I keep to myself, and do not talk to very many people. The fact that I am writing here is a testament to the steps forward that I am taking in my new mindset. I want to be able to be more open and honest with people, and I feel that this is more obtainable with my mind being clear. I will be posting my thoughts and feelings during this transition, with the hopes that I can look back on them one day and gain more insight into myself. I have spent too much time in the haze that is my life. It is time for me to grow and change and move forward. (2 Comments |Comment on this)